Society : If I were a woman, I would be a slay queen!!

If I were a woman, I would be a slay queen

When I walk, I will tremble. I will fix my nails and scatter my fingers.
I will paint them in crazy colours. I will learn how to flick my eyelids. And how to roll my eyes. I will pout my lips in church. I will  take pictures with my mouth half open, like our former petroleum minister.

I will wear tight dresses. If I catch them looking, I will scowl. I will teach my temper how to be brittle and inflammable .It’s   all part of being hot. I will learn modern gestures.   I will learn how to hiss with my eyes rather than my mouth.

I have to make them believe there is more to me.

I will never be seen with a bag without an eloquent label. I will suck up only to the high and mighty. And I will trample on the lowly. That’s class.   I will treat luxury like it’s routine. That’s how to belong. I will let my selection of phones leave a message. I will stay away from every prospect of humiliation.

On my Instagram page, I will  pepper  them. I will have a make up artiste come three times a week and make them envy Kim Kardashian and me. I will dress up, take pictures and remove the clothes.  #oluwaisinvolved.

I will pose with one leg bent forward and one hand folded at the elbow, my bag in my crook. My neck will learn to remain extended forever. I will never be caught without my foundations. It is proper grooming.

I won’t let my spouse let me down.
I can take a deep pocket with a fearful face. I will keep his pictures hidden and away. I will flaunt only his cars. I will travel the world in economy class and take pictures for Facebook in business class. I will really pepper them.
 I will put my acts together.

If fat comes, I will pack it so tightly till it weeps.
I may not have the longsuffering for gyms. It’s called ‘pepperlessness’. Liposuction will be my friend. I won’t use toilets.  
Yuck! I will use scented bathrooms.

My eyes will learn how to produce tears. But they must come from the edges of the eyes. I will learn ‘aaaaaaaaw’ and a few more bird sounds.
 I will never laugh heartily.
I will laugh with sophistication.
Walks will always be cat walks.

I will fall in love with reality TV.
Yes, I will like fashion TV.
I will fall in love with love.
Generally, I will hide it a little and open it a little. I will dangle and retract. They have to stay slain.

If I were a woman, I would be a slay queen.
The world would be at my feet.