Relationships : What’s love got to do with this type of relationship?!
Candida
When ‘friends with benefits’ suddenly popped on the dating scene a few years back, a lot of male and female adventurers eagerly went for it. I mean what could be more enticing? Two consenting adults meet and quickly agree to have no-strings-attached sex until they meet suitable partners they could finally settle with. Trust Hollywood – cashing in on the popularity of the concept, the film: Friends With Benefits lit up the screans all over the world. It was an instant hit because at the end of the madness is a subtle moral that you can’t eat your cake and have it! Someone always gets hurt in the end.
“Whenever I hear the term `friends with benefits’, I shudder!”, said Lara, a 36-year-old personal assistant. “Hollywood might portray it as something glamorous and empowering but I know from experience that is not always the case. Some years back, I met Sonny at college and though we weren’t that close after we left, we’d always stop for a chat if we bumped into each other. Then he moved to our street to live with a mutual friend and we started hanging out more. He was single after a serious relationship and I was in-between boyfriends. We eventually ended up in bed together and I was confused. The word ‘love’ never came into it. So what happened now?
“‘Why don’t we just keep things casual,’ Sonny suggested. And at that time, it seemed like a good idea and soon we were meeting for sex on a regular basis. I thought I had it made. A few friends that knew about it told me I must be mad to settle for a hare-brained relationship like that’. As far as they knew, I was being used. Only, after a while, I began to fantasize about us becoming something more – like taking things to the next level by becoming a proper couple. The more I thought about it, the more plausible it could be, so I mentioned this to him one night after a rather good romantic romp. I told him I had feelings for him. ‘I must admit I like you a lot,’ he told me awkwardly, ‘but I’m not ready to fall in love with anybody.’
“I felt a deep sense of shame. I was really devastated especially when I heard he went back to his ex a few weeks later. Now I don’t visit the friend on my street that often in case I bump into him. ‘Friends with benefits’ might sound like a bit of fun – but beware. It has to have rules and a shelf life, otherwise someone always develops feelings. And someone always gets hurt.”
“When I was accepted for a Mass-com course in a university up north”, recalled Joanne, “my friends organised a farewell get-together for me and my best friend threatened to get me hooked up with a bloke who’d given me a proper farewell. I just laughed off her threat. I was having such a good time on the dance-floor when this determined bloke kept on cutting in on my dancing partners. ‘Do 1 know you?’ 1 challenged him, exasperated. ‘Of course you know me, Janet told me everything’, he laughed knowingly. It was then the penny dropped. Janet was my friend and curious to know what this ‘everything’ was. He said Janet believed I fancied him. Really? I was ready to tell him what I thought of him when 1 realised he wasn’t a bad-looking bloke afterall. We got chatting and exchanged numbers. We started texting and talking on the phone every day – even when 1 moved to campus. When he asked if he could come and visit, I happily agreed.
“Tony and I had a great time and the sex was incredible. The full week we spent together was soon over. A day after he left, my friend rang to ask if we were in a relationship. I told her there was no point in being exclusive when we lived miles apart. I told her we’d agreed to a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement. 1 liked Tony – he was funny and great company, but I’d never been the type to sit around waiting for one guy to call. So the arrangement suited me fine. After I finished my course, which was a diploma course, I headed back home, and Tony and I began meeting up a lot more.
“And back on the social scene I’d find myself being approached by men. But I just wasn’t interested in any of them. And as much as I tried to ignore the truth, I knew why I only had eyes for Tony. But it was just a one-way thing. I didn’t want to continue our set-up any longer. I needed to find out if Tony and I had a chance of being something more than mere bed mates. So one night, I asked him bluntly: ‘How do you refer to me with your friends and family?’ He stared at me for a while before saying, ‘I call you my girlfriend. Is that OK?’ A huge smile lit up my face. We both started laughing as we realised our no-strings affair had become the real thing.
“Now seven years on, we’re happier than ever. We’re now married and have two lovely children. Of course I know my experience isn’t typical. I have friends of both sexes who’ve been hurt because of such set-ups. Luckily, Tony and I are both upfront people so there was no game playing. My advise is to go into any ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement with your eyes wide open!
When ‘friends with benefits’ suddenly popped on the dating scene a few years back, a lot of male and female adventurers eagerly went for it. I mean what could be more enticing? Two consenting adults meet and quickly agree to have no-strings-attached sex until they meet suitable partners they could finally settle with. Trust Hollywood – cashing in on the popularity of the concept, the film: Friends With Benefits lit up the screans all over the world. It was an instant hit because at the end of the madness is a subtle moral that you can’t eat your cake and have it! Someone always gets hurt in the end.
“Whenever I hear the term `friends with benefits’, I shudder!”, said Lara, a 36-year-old personal assistant. “Hollywood might portray it as something glamorous and empowering but I know from experience that is not always the case. Some years back, I met Sonny at college and though we weren’t that close after we left, we’d always stop for a chat if we bumped into each other. Then he moved to our street to live with a mutual friend and we started hanging out more. He was single after a serious relationship and I was in-between boyfriends. We eventually ended up in bed together and I was confused. The word ‘love’ never came into it. So what happened now?
“‘Why don’t we just keep things casual,’ Sonny suggested. And at that time, it seemed like a good idea and soon we were meeting for sex on a regular basis. I thought I had it made. A few friends that knew about it told me I must be mad to settle for a hare-brained relationship like that’. As far as they knew, I was being used. Only, after a while, I began to fantasize about us becoming something more – like taking things to the next level by becoming a proper couple. The more I thought about it, the more plausible it could be, so I mentioned this to him one night after a rather good romantic romp. I told him I had feelings for him. ‘I must admit I like you a lot,’ he told me awkwardly, ‘but I’m not ready to fall in love with anybody.’
“I felt a deep sense of shame. I was really devastated especially when I heard he went back to his ex a few weeks later. Now I don’t visit the friend on my street that often in case I bump into him. ‘Friends with benefits’ might sound like a bit of fun – but beware. It has to have rules and a shelf life, otherwise someone always develops feelings. And someone always gets hurt.”
“When I was accepted for a Mass-com course in a university up north”, recalled Joanne, “my friends organised a farewell get-together for me and my best friend threatened to get me hooked up with a bloke who’d given me a proper farewell. I just laughed off her threat. I was having such a good time on the dance-floor when this determined bloke kept on cutting in on my dancing partners. ‘Do 1 know you?’ 1 challenged him, exasperated. ‘Of course you know me, Janet told me everything’, he laughed knowingly. It was then the penny dropped. Janet was my friend and curious to know what this ‘everything’ was. He said Janet believed I fancied him. Really? I was ready to tell him what I thought of him when 1 realised he wasn’t a bad-looking bloke afterall. We got chatting and exchanged numbers. We started texting and talking on the phone every day – even when 1 moved to campus. When he asked if he could come and visit, I happily agreed.
“Tony and I had a great time and the sex was incredible. The full week we spent together was soon over. A day after he left, my friend rang to ask if we were in a relationship. I told her there was no point in being exclusive when we lived miles apart. I told her we’d agreed to a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement. 1 liked Tony – he was funny and great company, but I’d never been the type to sit around waiting for one guy to call. So the arrangement suited me fine. After I finished my course, which was a diploma course, I headed back home, and Tony and I began meeting up a lot more.
“And back on the social scene I’d find myself being approached by men. But I just wasn’t interested in any of them. And as much as I tried to ignore the truth, I knew why I only had eyes for Tony. But it was just a one-way thing. I didn’t want to continue our set-up any longer. I needed to find out if Tony and I had a chance of being something more than mere bed mates. So one night, I asked him bluntly: ‘How do you refer to me with your friends and family?’ He stared at me for a while before saying, ‘I call you my girlfriend. Is that OK?’ A huge smile lit up my face. We both started laughing as we realised our no-strings affair had become the real thing.
“Now seven years on, we’re happier than ever. We’re now married and have two lovely children. Of course I know my experience isn’t typical. I have friends of both sexes who’ve been hurt because of such set-ups. Luckily, Tony and I are both upfront people so there was no game playing. My advise is to go into any ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement with your eyes wide open!
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