Society : The time will come when all you’ll have are memories!

WHATEVER your view on sex is, the fact remains it’s recently been stripped of its cloak and dagger mystery. Where men once bragged of the number of notches on their bed-posts, women now don’t see sex as a ‘chop and wipe mouth’ phenomenon. They see it as of right – they want it, if it’s available, they take as much as they want. No guilt. Just emotional satisfaction. Ini and I were at Lilians recently and, naturally the banter skirted around sex. Lilian’s cousin Betty’s ‘problem’ came up for serious consideration. According to Lilian, Betty believes her body was made for sex!

“Only, Betty doesn’t know the enormity of the type of fire she’s playing with,” sighed Lilian. “She confessed she’s addicted to sex because whenever the opportunity of having a shag presents itself, she said she couldn’t stop herself from taking it. She is seemingly happily married to a responsible man. They have three lovely kids and a good sex life. Betty is an assistant director in one of the ministries and travels a lot within the country for her ministry. A very cosmopolitan lady and pretty, she gets hit on all the time. According to her: “When someone pays me attention or reacts to me in a sexual way, I feel this urge to take them up on it and seldom say no to sex though my head wants to.

“On my last business trip, I slept with three men in a week. Whenever we’re playing the seduction game, I’m very much aroused and feel good about myself. But, the minute sex is over, I’m overwhelmed with shame. I always use condom as I wouldn’t want to pass on any disease to my husband and I only sleep around when I’m away. My husband doesn’t suspect a thing as a result and I’ve got away with this for years”. Whenever I go back home, I am the old loving wife and mother that glues the family.’

“She told me she is now wracked with guilt and wants to stop but doesn’t know how,” Lilian concluded, her eyes resting on me. But what has it got to do with me? I can’t always have the answers to everybody’s shenanigans, can I? I told my friend that wanting to have sex with lots of different people other than your partner makes you a sex addict. You’re simply giving into temptation. Discussing this later with a friend who’s a sort of relationship counsellor, she told me Betty’s case is not as unusual as we all thought.

“It’s common for people who have problems with sex and love addiction to feel powerless to control their urges,” she said. “They often feel ‘high’ beforehand, then tip over into a dark void of depression and regret the minute it is over.

“Betty has sex because her body wants to, rather than her head, and she’s having it with men she has no emotional attachment to. For all you know, these could be signs she’s got other genuine problems. Love and sex addicts have sex with strangers. Betty doesn’t have this problem as she’s already attractive and confident. Sex addicts often have bad relationships or find it hard to sustain loving, romantic relationships. Not Betty. She’s happily married with healthy kids. She’s clearly capable of being faithful because she only has sex with other men when she’s away from her husband. What she sees as a neutral ground in her warped mind.

“If you search deeply enough, you’ll realise Betty could be boasting in spite of her exploits. She loves sex, she’s been having illicit men for years without getting caught, but there’s only every day for the thief and one day for the owner. Her kids are growing up, and she’s not getting younger. What happens when one of these men she’s

sampled come to her state and meet her husband by accident? Or, if ny of the children gets to know in future? Illicit sex might be fun; we’re all guilty of it, but actually gurging on the stuff is plain greedy.

It’s no longer news that seldom do marriages break because of infidelity, especially in a polygamous setting. You get hitched to two or three women at a go and you honestly expect these women to be aithful? Just how conceited can you get? Even monogamous

marriages have their share of temptation they say no to. “Why would I send my wife packing because she slept with another man?” asked Kay, an old friend.  “I  have been married only once and have all my five children by my legal wife. We don’t live together but once in a while, when I’m between ‘wives, we have sex. Wouldn’t it be hypocritical if I now start sniffing around the house wanting to know how many men she’s slept with? Even in my office, there is this male colleague, in senior management post who’s been sleeping with a clerk in the computer room for years. Now tell me, could the husband of this woman who spends a lot more than she earns pretend his wife knows how to stretch her income further than it ought to go?

“As long as you’re careful, I urge everyone to make the most of their sexual opportunities. Believe it or not, a time would come when all you could do is ‘lick’ and not chop!’