Love Story: This Obsession Of Mine
I just want to be close to him, but how do I say that ? This isn't infatuation, this is obsession
Everything was calm, everything that wasn't me that is. The dark lit room, the fragrant incense filling the room as his eyes focused on his book.
Even when I know his attention isn't focused on me I can't help but blush thinking that he's so close.
He's just within my reach, so close to
touch. Yet, still impossible to achieve, too far out of my league to even think of making a move.
Also, the added fact that he never resurfaces from his book no matter the case. This longing that I feel to be near him, this yearning to be whatever it is he needs me to be because I need
to see him smile. This . . . Obsession.
That's all that this is, obsession.
Obsession over the one guy who can make my heart stop on a dime but not in a sexual kind of way.
In a completely untainted way. So untainted it becomes tainted within itself with how strong of an obsession it becomes. I worry over what I can say to him, what he'll think of me. How he
sees me. If he even knows I exist.
He doesn't.
Not really.
I'm just some crazy nice girl he knows that's always here to talk to but he's never not busy and so he just never has the time. Hell, I'm not even within the standards of being a friend to him.
Of course I know all his favorites and
learned about his past so I could try and find ways to make things easier on him. To find ways to make him smile and guiltily keep those smiles buried within me like back up fuel so that I'll never run out or be stranded again.
Keep bits of his happiness to myself and become intoxicated on the fact that I was the one responsible for their presence.
This is wrong.
This isn't love.
This is obsession.
Where does obsession usually go ?
. . .
No where.
The girl is found out and then rationally the guy never wants to be around them again, then comes the restraining orders and the paper work.
The being labeled as a "creep" and the
long long gap that was already there magnifying by 100000 in length.
Till you can't even be close enough to see him smile.
To hear him laugh. To be any where near
finding out how his day was and if he's
emotionally alright. You're not able to lend even the smallest of hands by inviting him over for tea so he can read a book and relax for a bit.
It all just ends.
It's better to just keep it as obsession. Secret obsessions. Secret obsessions that no one has to know about or try and change. No one has to act upon . . . Nothing I can act upon. Or I'll lose him for good.
. . .
He could never love me. He deserves more than that. I know how low I am on the totem pole and I understand all too well the distance that remains between the types of things we like and interests we have.
. . .
I know damn well that he could never truly love me. It's just the way things work.
. . .
And if he did, what could we do then ? We'd ruin it somehow. With our dirty grubby fingers.
We'd reach out to touch him and end up
smudging a beautiful artwork not meant for human hands to hold. We'd ruin him and his life.
Then when he frowned . . . That's all we
could take credit for. Where would his smile go when he'd be around us ? Where would those smiles that fueled our very core roam off to ?
. . .
I can't touch him. I can't get close. He's so
perfect. And I'd just mess him up, I'd make him miserable. I'd scare him. I'd lose that smile that I loved so much.
. . . If only he felt the same about me.
How happy I would be.
But he doesn't.
Cause he's not a creep like I am.
I shouldn't be close, I should leave him alone and never come back. I should just . . .
" hey, are you okay ? You look a little distraught
. . . Is everything alright ?", he asks as he looks up from his book and takes a sip from his tea.
His eyes concerned and genuine. The emotion there enough to shatter everything in me. I can't speak . . . I can't say what I was thinking ! What
do I do ?! I . . . I . . . " heh sorry about that ^^', I
was just dazing off into space. Heh, I'm fine" . . . I love you.
If only you knew.
Everything was calm, everything that wasn't me that is. The dark lit room, the fragrant incense filling the room as his eyes focused on his book.
Even when I know his attention isn't focused on me I can't help but blush thinking that he's so close.
He's just within my reach, so close to
touch. Yet, still impossible to achieve, too far out of my league to even think of making a move.
Also, the added fact that he never resurfaces from his book no matter the case. This longing that I feel to be near him, this yearning to be whatever it is he needs me to be because I need
to see him smile. This . . . Obsession.
That's all that this is, obsession.
Obsession over the one guy who can make my heart stop on a dime but not in a sexual kind of way.
In a completely untainted way. So untainted it becomes tainted within itself with how strong of an obsession it becomes. I worry over what I can say to him, what he'll think of me. How he
sees me. If he even knows I exist.
He doesn't.
Not really.
I'm just some crazy nice girl he knows that's always here to talk to but he's never not busy and so he just never has the time. Hell, I'm not even within the standards of being a friend to him.
Of course I know all his favorites and
learned about his past so I could try and find ways to make things easier on him. To find ways to make him smile and guiltily keep those smiles buried within me like back up fuel so that I'll never run out or be stranded again.
Keep bits of his happiness to myself and become intoxicated on the fact that I was the one responsible for their presence.
This is wrong.
This isn't love.
This is obsession.
Where does obsession usually go ?
. . .
No where.
The girl is found out and then rationally the guy never wants to be around them again, then comes the restraining orders and the paper work.
The being labeled as a "creep" and the
long long gap that was already there magnifying by 100000 in length.
Till you can't even be close enough to see him smile.
To hear him laugh. To be any where near
finding out how his day was and if he's
emotionally alright. You're not able to lend even the smallest of hands by inviting him over for tea so he can read a book and relax for a bit.
It all just ends.
It's better to just keep it as obsession. Secret obsessions. Secret obsessions that no one has to know about or try and change. No one has to act upon . . . Nothing I can act upon. Or I'll lose him for good.
. . .
He could never love me. He deserves more than that. I know how low I am on the totem pole and I understand all too well the distance that remains between the types of things we like and interests we have.
. . .
I know damn well that he could never truly love me. It's just the way things work.
. . .
And if he did, what could we do then ? We'd ruin it somehow. With our dirty grubby fingers.
We'd reach out to touch him and end up
smudging a beautiful artwork not meant for human hands to hold. We'd ruin him and his life.
Then when he frowned . . . That's all we
could take credit for. Where would his smile go when he'd be around us ? Where would those smiles that fueled our very core roam off to ?
. . .
I can't touch him. I can't get close. He's so
perfect. And I'd just mess him up, I'd make him miserable. I'd scare him. I'd lose that smile that I loved so much.
. . . If only he felt the same about me.
How happy I would be.
But he doesn't.
Cause he's not a creep like I am.
I shouldn't be close, I should leave him alone and never come back. I should just . . .
" hey, are you okay ? You look a little distraught
. . . Is everything alright ?", he asks as he looks up from his book and takes a sip from his tea.
His eyes concerned and genuine. The emotion there enough to shatter everything in me. I can't speak . . . I can't say what I was thinking ! What
do I do ?! I . . . I . . . " heh sorry about that ^^', I
was just dazing off into space. Heh, I'm fine" . . . I love you.
If only you knew.
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